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My name is Lauren and I have been a supportive and sole custodial parent for almost thirteen years. I have two children, thirteen years old, and no, they are not twins. They are nine months apart and I became a single mom when they were seven months and sixteen months old. I never dreamed that my children would have a lazy father and that I would be raising children without a father.

I can still to this day hear my oldest son, who I picked up at preschool when he was four, sobbing uncontrollably on Father’s Day because he didn’t have a dad to give his handmade gift to, but all the other kids who I knew he had parents. Every year I dreaded Father’s Day. I know it wouldn’t be fair to kids with dads not being able to celebrate by giving gifts at school, but frankly the two or three days it took them to complete their gifts must have been very sad for my kids.

It has gotten easier over the years, and now my children and I can laugh about this sad subject, although there were some difficult moments that had to be worked out before they could get to where they are now. The do’s and don’ts of raising kids without a father:

  • DON ‘ T belittle the father of your children. No matter what kind of ill feelings you harbor toward the father of your children, I cannot stress enough how important it is to their well-being that you not speak ill of their father. He is not there to be “hurt” by your words, but your children are. It affects his self-esteem and causes stress when his own flesh-and-blood father is a “horrible guy.” It amazes me that a mother tells me that she loves her children so much and then I hear her turn around and talk bad about him to her children.
  • DO NOT burden them with your financial worries. Telling your children that you are having trouble paying the bills or making a house payment because their father is not paying child support only makes them feel insecure. Children internalize their exaggerated worries. They don’t know anything about financial matters. Would you like them to think that they can end up without a home to live in?
  • DO NOT keep mentioning his name. If he is not in their lives, then why talk about him and think “what if or if only?” Build a bridge and get over it. Get on with his life.
  • DON’T act helpless without a man around. You are already proving how strong you are by being a sole custodial mother. They want their boys to end up marrying a strong woman. Remember that boys tend to marry women like their mothers. You don’t want your daughters to end up thinking that they need a man around all the time to help them out.
  • DO NOT belittle the male sex. Remember, you are raising “little men”. Looking down on men looks down on your children. You also don’t want your daughters to dislike men before they have had a chance to meet them! There are a lot of great guys out there!
  • DO NOT have an appointment to pick you up at home. Until you’re in an established relationship, it’s best to keep your personal love life separate from your “mother” life.
  • DO NOT incorporate and involve your new boyfriend in your children’s lives. I had a friend who within a week of meeting a “new guy” had him at her house helping her kids with their homework! Since my kids don’t even have a weekend dad, I didn’t want them to get attached to what in their minds might be a future dad and then have the man walk out of their lives if things don’t work out.
  • DO NOT allow the bride and groom to spend the night. meIt can be hard to spend the night alone with the man of your life, but “hey”, that’s the way it is.
  • Say “I love you” every day. It is very important that your children know that no matter what they do wrong, they are unconditional love.
  • Tell your children that their father loves them but has chosen not to be a part of “our” lives. This advice was given to me by a family therapist when my children were very young. Later, your children will ask more questions when you give them this answer, and at that point you can tell them what you think is an age-appropriate answer.
  • Show them photos of their father when asked. My oldest son asked to see a picture of his father when he was about six years old. I took out the photo album and after looking at two or three pages he told me that he wanted to watch cartoons again.
  • Tell them that anyone can father a child, but it takes a special person to be a dad. Let them know that their father is not cut out to be a good father and that it has nothing to do with them. Let them know that their father loves them but is not cut out to be a father. You don’t have to sound like a saint either.
  • Tell them how proud you are of them. Nothing will make a child shine more than being told they’ve been made proud.
  • Discipline your children. Be consistent with discipline. Say what you think and do what you say. So many single parents tend to feel guilty because their children have an absent father that they don’t discipline enough. It is a proven fact that well-disciplined children do better in school and in life. Remember that discipline is love.

I was born and raised in Southern California in what I would describe as an “Ozzie and Harriett” kind of family. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I really appreciated how lucky I was to grow up with a mom and dad living under the same roof. The same can be said for all the other members of our family as well. I know that this is one of the reasons why I have felt guilty, although I know that the absence of my children’s father is not my fault, that my children were cheated out of having what I had. I had a wonderful father and I am grateful that he was so dedicated to his family.

All you can do as a parent is to the best of your ability. Make wise decisions. Sometimes it can be hard to constantly put your children’s well-being before your own, especially if you’re feeling lonely or in times of stress, but it will be worth it in the long run. They grow up so fast. Make this one chance count. There are no “repetitions” when it comes to parenting. Single parenting is not easy. Either one is dual parenting. You are not perfect and you will make mistakes. fatherless children can grow up happy and secure even if they only have one father. His lazy parents [http://www.squidoo.com/Raising-Sons-Without-a-Man-Around] they are missing so much. You are not perfect. The fact is that you have to forgive yourself for any mistakes…The most important thing to remember…

LIFE IS NOT ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS… IT IS LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!

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