“Here comes The Dog, no longer on a Harley Hog,” this is how Duane “Dog” Chapman opens this long-awaited episode in which he turns Beth Smith into an honest woman, his de facto wife and fellow bounty hunter. If Beth ever suffocated a dog (and she certainly has the right natural equipment to do it), it would have happened in this episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter. The episode that many have been waiting for was broadcast on Tuesday night, August 8, 2006: To Love and Cherish Dog and Beth’s Wedding.
We see the Chapmans in the week leading up to their nuptials, and Beth is obsessed (like most women) with buying new shoes, adjusting her wedding dress, and getting her hair done. Basically her head is on the veil and not on the Bounty. It couldn’t be further from Dog’s thoughts, which are focused on catching a host of fugitives, including a former Navy sailor named Brice. Brice is being pursued for jumping bail after a criminal history that includes robbery and drugs. Dog amplifies the risk of this reward by saying that Brice is a “trained assassin” since he was in the Service at one point.
Of course, Beth is annoyed that her intent is focused on grimy criminals rather than diamonds and roses, but this is Dog and we know he always comes through in the end. If you don’t, rest assured that Beth will make your life miserable for a long time. The woman is ruthless and the Dog is whipped. In the words of his son Leland, “It looks like Dad will double up like a tent again” when Beth gives Dog a hard time. Clad in leather, covered in prison tattoos, and always packing a mace, Dog is Beth’s to kick. This episode is no different.
Beth has chosen a classic tux for Dog, who will not participate in that, thank you very much. Dog insists he wears a shirtless bulletproof vest, jeans, and a can of mace. He tells Beth that he has been in prison before and that there is no way he will get trapped in the prison of a suit.
“I’d rather marry like the Dog,” he says. If not, he said that he is not looking forward to the funeral that is his wedding. Poor Beth, marrying the Hound in her stinky old vest and a can of pepper spray. So how do you manage? She goes to the local stripper shop to buy her wedding shoes. After trying on several pairs of plastic do-me-pumps, she decides on a pair while saying the golden rule of all brides: “When you go shopping where strippers and whores go, you will always score.”
In order not to be defeated by the Hollywood stars, Beth flies to Hollywood in search of a custom-made dress. If you’ve ever seen Beth, you know what stands between Beth and a standard cut dress. Here’s a hint that there are two. It’s actually a beautiful dress and it should go well with your plastic stripper shoes.
The first bounty goes pretty well, and Brice is caught with a window knocker in his pants. The fugitive tells Dog that he had just found him in someone’s apartment. We all know that Dog is not a Harvard graduate, but when it comes to Criminals 101, nothing can happen to him. Dog can’t resist pouring a bucket of salt on his wounds and telling Brice that he will be called Bo-Peep in prison. But then Dog’s heart of gold takes over and he gives the fugitive a cigarette and lights it for him. This is a rite of passage for anyone apprehended by the DOG; you will always get a cancer rod as a reward. Thanks dog!
The nuptials are a day or two away and Dog stops another good citizen who claims to have some “jewels” in his pocket. Turns out it’s an ice pipe. I suppose he has it in his mouth. Iceheads, junkies, basketball-sized breasts and stripper heels, I sigh. Brings back memories of my own nuptials. Honestly, who, besides the Chapmans, is hosting a gala event in the midst of such a strange assembly of characters?
While Dog is hunting these characters, he misses his own wedding rehearsal. But everything is okay; He does it for the after party, which seems wonderful. Complete Hawaiian garb, fragrant necklaces laden with orchids, food tables, and dog in her conch braids. Beth is looking forward to her wedding day and forgives Dog for missing rehearsal. She puts it in perspective, saying “Today Big Daddy has his man, and tomorrow I have mine.”
After such a happy night, the morning of the wedding brings grim news for the Chapman family. Dog’s daughter, who lives in Alaska, died in a car accident; her daughter died on her wedding day. The tremendous faith and mutual love of the family allows them to go through with the wedding, even though he cries all day for his daughter. Dog says, “There is a time to cry and it is not now. If God wanted to stop the wedding, He would not have killed my baby. That is not God.” In true Dog style, he follows this tender moment with one of his cheesy (but heartfelt) expressions: “This blood doesn’t flow.”
The sun comes up, a legless woman in a wheelchair arrives and Dog and Beth say “Yes, I do.” Finally, after all these years, we have Mr. and Mrs. Dog Chapman, bound together by handcuffs and hair bleach forever.