We’ve all heard that discipline is the “best way” to raise our children if we want them to become positive, loving, and contributing members of our society. As a result, many of us have thrown away the old “punishment-focused” tools only to find that without those tools our children won’t listen and we don’t know what to do about it. In an effort to fix this problem, we find ourselves putting blinders on our children’s misbehavior, or yelling and threatening, using exactly the tools we promised ourselves we would never resort to.
I think all parents are doing the best they can with what they know at any given time. My goal is to help parents identify what they know and understand why they do what they do, so they can feel good about themselves as people and shine as parents.
Discipline is less about the tool you use and more about the mindset and delivery model than anything else.
The first thing to keep in mind when deciding to use discipline is that what we really seek is to instill self-discipline. In other words, we are trying to help our children internalize a way of life that will guide them to make good decisions in their lives, whether we are there to enforce things or not. Done right, it helps our children become independent and secure in their uniqueness so they can accept whatever life throws their way and develop to their full potential.
This is not an easy task. Internalizing something is about linking the action and the consequence in a way that makes you want to do the right thing. What’s right can change depending on who you talk to, and often doesn’t really connect with us until we’ve lived through it. This means that discipline will not always prevent our children from behaving in ways we do not approve of, but it will open the door to creating a strong loving relationship based on mutual respect and acceptance.
The second thing we need to know about discipline is that it will always be more difficult for us than punishment. The only way we can truly teach self-discipline is by modeling it ourselves. This means that we have to model calm and self-control, even when our children pressure us or behave in a way that we think is unacceptable. Being the “biggest person” when things are bothering us is challenging at the best of times.
Third, because most of us have been raised in an environment that uses punishment, we are familiar with it. This means that the punishment tools and delivery model for using punishment assertively are laid out in our parent packet. These tools and/or methods will always be at hand when we are parents, making us react in ways that we believe are unacceptable.
Fourth, it’s important to know that when we’re in a heightened emotional state (angry, embarrassed, hurt, scared) we’re much more likely to look for a tool that matches our emotions. Although we have made a conscious decision to use discipline instead of punishment, and although we have learned tools and strategies to do this, when our children are pushing our buttons and we get “mad”, we are likely to overreact. Sometimes we take a tool that we know can be a good thing, like timeout, removal of privileges, etc., and then we hand it over in an angry and aggressive way.
When this happens, our typical response, once we are calm, will be feelings of guilt, remorse, disappointment, and/or worry that we have ruined our child for life. errors are forever an opportunity to grow. So when this happens, forgive yourself and use it as an opportunity to model a genuine apology. This doesn’t mean removing the consequence that was implemented (as long as it wasn’t outrageous), but it’s about identifying how your behavior didn’t model the kind of parent you’re trying to “become.”
Finally, discipline will always work better when we plan ahead. This means becoming aware of our expectations, rules and boundaries and sharing them with the people we live with. It requires that we find ways to deal with problem behaviors in advance and think about how and what these methods will teach. It is also about thinking ahead so that we can be consistent and always follow the rules that we have set. Although being so organized may seem time-consuming and exhausting, it actually makes things much easier and allows us to model the skills we want our children to internalize.
In the end, discipline is a mindset that can help us reconnect with our parenting goals and model behaviors that we feel important enough to teach. It’s a skill that requires us to really bring out the best in ourselves, before striving to bring out the best in our children. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, and it provides an opportunity for everyone to grow.