At the end of a good day, you break down in tears for no particular reason.
At the end of a bad day you start laughing for no reason.
At the end of each day, you climb into bed and sleep on His side.
You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He will need them.
The sight of Her bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door makes you cry, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.
Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in the spring, marigolds in the summer, geraniums in the fall, and mistletoe in the winter. And because you promised.
You wear His wedding ring tied through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.
You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.
You had a terrible, horrible, miserable, ugly day. And He is not here to tell you that everything will be fine.
You talk to your dog. And take to God that silly dog understands every word you say.
Tell everyone who asks, how are you? the big lie, i’m fine. That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never do.
You sit like a dog for animal crackers on a job application. You cannot decide which box to check: Single, Married, Divorced, Other. Honestly, you don’t know.
The living room lamp comes on. And you didn’t flip the switch. Do you really believe that it is a message sent by Him.
You sit in coffee shops for hours on end writing on paper napkins. Because you can’t bear the thought of being home alone.
You ache *pardon the pun* to get out of the house, but once you leave, you long to go home. You just don’t feel safe without Him by your side.
The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, depresses you. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.
You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a fuck.
Your big night out is a trip to the dump to throw out the trash. And you saw God, you discovered the joy of mourning. Because you’re thankful you have two hands to carry the banana peels, empty cereal boxes, and crushed vitamin D milk cartons, and two apt feet to carry you.
You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.
You lose weight. Because you can’t eat, you miss it so much that you lose your appetite for chocolate.
You gain weight. Because you can’t stop eating, you miss it so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or Oreo cookie will fill the void.
You mark the time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because endless memories run through your brain and you need a reference point to manage your thoughts.
At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then say the magnificent prayer, please God, can I make it one more day? And you know in your heart that with his help, you can.