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Sometimes I hear from people who deeply regret a past affair. Often, as time goes on, the depth of his mistake becomes more and more clear. This, coupled with the fact that they are now facing the consequences of their actions, can make them feel the weight of their mistake.

I heard of a wife who said, “I would give anything I own if I could turn back time and pretend I never had an affair. I ruined my life with one mistake. My husband found out and left me.” He doesn’t answer my calls. Children ask me every day where their father is. Now I realize how much I risk for short-term fun. I’m starting to worry that I’ve destroyed my marriage and that “I’m never going to get my husband back. And I know how much my husband loves our children and I wouldn’t be surprised if he fought me over custody. I don’t want to be alone anyway. And I don’t want to be alone.” I want to be a single mom raising my kids alone. I wish there was something I could do to deny all the damage I’ve done. Because right now, I feel hopeless.”

I felt compassion for this wife even though in my own situation I was the faithful husband. Her true pain was obvious and it is very common to be overwhelmed by this outcome when there is nothing you can do to change it. Unfortunately, there is no way to completely clear the case. It happened and you can’t take it back. So now you have to look to the present and the future instead of the past. I will discuss some tips on how to do it below.

Your only focus should be on your life in the future: I know it’s very easy to keep looking back with regret, especially if you’re feeling stuck right now. But honestly, it doesn’t do you any good. It only prevents you from progressing. Since you cannot change the subject and its memory is not serving you in any way, it is time to return your attention to the here and now. It’s true that this wife was kind of in a holding pattern when it came to her marriage because she didn’t know what her husband would ultimately decide to do. But there were plenty of things she could do to get up while she was standing. Just waiting for her decision while she was consumed with regret didn’t help her cause. It was important to try to be as positive as possible for the sake of her children and for the sake of herself.

Don’t let your anger at yourself stop you from doing what’s in your own best interest.: It is not uncommon for me to see people who are so angry with themselves about the matter that they are willing to accept any punishment and negative things that come their way. They feel that they do not deserve anything positive and do not feel worthy of understanding or forgiveness, so they are not proactive in improving their situation. What she didn’t want was for this wife to stay home surrounded by her sorrow and her regret. Yes, she made a mistake with far-reaching consequences. But nothing good would come if she got so discouraged that she didn’t try to improve her circumstances.

Every day, try to do something that will help you correct this situation. Promise to be the best parent, the best person, and the best spouse that you can be. If you need advice or self-help to determine why you may have acted this way, get it. Because until you take care of anything that may have contributed to this, you can’t be 100 percent sure that you won’t be vulnerable to this again. And to give your marriage the best chance, you’ll need to be as healthy and strong as possible. Be very proactive in becoming as emotionally healthy as you can.

The best way to negate adventure effects is to rebuild and heal: It is true that reality cannot be changed. There is no way to erase the matter from her own memory or the memory of her husband. But, what you can do is do everything in your power to ensure that a complete healing occurs. You can do everything you can to rebuild a healthy family. Because limping and thinking about your mistake weakens you and makes you less effective as a parent, as a person, and as a spouse. And you and your family no less than the totality of what you have to give.

I realize that sometimes you can’t control every aspect of the future. Sometimes your spouse will have some reservations about resuming your marriage. And you can’t always control this. But what you can do is heal yourself as much as possible, show your spouse your sincerity by getting this right again, and be kind and gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes. Yes, this is a big one. But the biggest mistake would be allowing this to ruin your life. You have a lot to live for. And the best thing you can do is grow and learn from this and make the necessary changes so that this does not happen again.

The remorse this wife felt indicated that she was a good person willing to acknowledge and learn from her mistake. So nothing good was going to come of her punishing herself further.

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