Florida, a great place to come and visit. With all the attractions here, it’s all about having fun, not to mention we see the sun every day.

However, there is one thing everyone should be warned about. The long arm of the law does not play down here. Listen to me because I know from experience.

Yes, I was the town idiot one night in March 2006, and believe me I’m not bragging about it. Yeah, he was drunk and he shouldn’t have been driving. In fact, I realized after driving just a couple of miles, I was pulling into a parking lot where I was going to sleep, but here came Barney.

Now there wasn’t a soul on the road except him and me and I told good old Barney I’d been drinking and realized after a few miles I shouldn’t be driving. Well, surely you have all heard the expression “you have the right to remain silent”. This would have been a really good time for me to use that right, because old Barney had that camera on in his car.

All I asked him was to let me sleep in my car in this parking lot, I told him I’d close my eyes and he could throw my keys anywhere, and he’d drag me into the backseat and sleep.

“Oh no,” he says, I could get out of my car and wander into traffic and get hit. “I need to get you to jail where you’ll be safe”, not to mention the 2-3000 bucks you’re going to rape me for, for fines, fees, court costs, and of course probation.

I mean I’ve come to the conclusion that this was a blessing in disguise, I drink probably a tenth of what I used to and I won’t drink a beer if I know I’m driving. I’ll walk from here to Alaska so I never have to go to jail again. You only have to hit me over the head with a rock once.

If you come from out of state and get arrested, consider yourself lucky. Because you don’t want to be on probation here. It’s like they want you to fail, they want to keep you in the system for as long as they can. I swear the police down here think they’re gods, if you’re not in law enforcement they’re sitting there thinking to themselves, “I know this guy is a criminal, how can I prove it?”

While I was in jail, there was a guy in there for stealing a disposable Bic lighter. She picked it up from a table and lit her cigarette with it, mistakenly putting it in her pocket. I had been in jail for over a week when I got there, because I had no bail money.

There was also a stuntman from California, who was in prison for probation violation because he refused to give his probation officer the fake guns he used in the movies. So his probation officer lured him back to Florida to sign a document and had him arrested, 90 days.

So folks, this is it, if you come here to the Sunshine State, do yourself a favor. Reserve the drink for when you return home. Because tourism is down right now and they have to make up for that loss of income somehow. Don’t start any fights and try to be on your best behavior.

Because Barney is watching you and trying to figure out how he can prove you’re a criminal.

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