I often hear of wives having serious self-esteem issues after their husband has an affair. Many no longer feel attractive, sexy, or self-confident. Many admit that they constantly compare themselves to other women. Sometimes this means comparing yourself to “the other woman” (ie, comparing yourself to the woman her husband cheated on or had an affair with). And some admit that any other woman is fair game. We may find ourselves looking at our female friends and acquaintances and wondering if their husbands are faithful to them. And then we analyze our assumptions.

A wife recently put this into words beautifully. She said, in part: “I find myself reviewing, scrutinizing, and comparing myself to countless other women. I will review the women in the PTA. I will look at the mother in front of me in checkout line.” at the supermarket. I’m going to spy on families eating in restaurants. And every time I do this, I wonder if the woman in question has a husband who has been faithful to her. I’ll find something in her appearance that I like. or find superior to that same attribute when it comes to my own appearance. My friend from PTA has prettier eyes than me. The woman in the gym has a much better figure. My son’s teacher is much more confident than me. My next door neighbor is much more outgoing. And the woman my husband cheated on me with is probably more exciting in the bedroom. I find myself doing this all the time. And I never did this before my husband cheated on me. It’s like he’s looking at me for my own flaws and looking for strengths or positives in other people that I can’t see in myself anymore. Is he wrong with me and how can I stop doing this?”

I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

It’s more common to compare yourself to the woman your husband cheated on you with, but know that these comparisons are often not accurate: Probably the most common comparison in this situation is comparing yourself to “the other woman.” Many women will find out as much as possible about her. This can quickly become an unhealthy obsession. It’s like we feel like this woman has all the answers for us. If we can find out what our husband sees in her or what she offers him, then we can find out what we don’t have and respond accordingly.

But here are some problems with this logic. Very often, as hard as we may believe it at the time, it is not this woman’s looks, personality, or sexual ability that causes our husband to cheat on her. I know some will disagree and will debate this with me. But I do have men who comment or contact me on my blog and it’s pretty clear that many of them cheat in times of crisis, self-doubt, or low self-esteem. So an affair or cheating often has more to do with the attributes of the man he cheated on than the woman he cheated with.

There is a common perception that the other woman has some magical attributes or that the husband has finally found the perfect woman for him or his “soul mate”. I don’t buy this for a second. And many men who have the time and distance to think about this agree with me. Often, once the adventure has been over for some time, you’ll hear comments like “When I look at her now, I don’t know what the hell I saw in her.” Or “I feel so stupid when I think back now.”

So when a wife looks to this other woman for answers, she often doesn’t realize that if there really are “answers,” she will often find them with her husband rather than the other woman. . It is often something missing or missing within him rather than something the other woman had or possessed. Sure, the other woman could be younger. She even she could be pretty. But this is usually not the underlying reason for the deception. And she has nothing to do with you. Her appearance, personality, or achievements should eventually be completely separate from the way you see yourself. Sometimes recovering from an affair means cutting it out of your mind and life completely so you can focus on your own recovery and yourself. She really is a third party and she should remain so.

Compare yourself to other women who have nothing to do with your husband’s affair: I often hear of women who try their best to avoid thinking about the other woman, but then find themselves comparing themselves to friends, acquaintances, or even family members. This can be very frustrating when, intellectually, you know that this doesn’t make any sense. Women in recovery sometimes tell me that they are envious or jealous of women who seem to have faithful and loving husbands.

I hear women say that they suddenly envy the mousey neighbor whose husband comes running home from work. Or they will focus on the church couple who seem to be devoted only to each other. You are wondering what these marriages have that yours did not or what these wives possess that ensures their husbands are faithful to them. I understand this. I did this myself. But here’s the thing. As we all know, appearances are deceiving. None of us really know what really goes on behind closed doors. The couple who seem so in love today could very well be dealing with infidelity tomorrow.

The truth is, we are not going to learn why our husband cheated on us from other couples, other people, or even other women. We’re only going to get at least some of those answers from our husband and ourselves. Furthermore, other people’s attributes do not diminish ours. I know it’s hard right now, but remember that you are just as special and valuable as anyone else.

Remember that another person’s actions do not affect your worth or value as a woman. You are beyond compare: It is very common for women to suffer a blow to their self-esteem after their husband cheats on them. This is in no way your fault. But, you have to fight this process. Because even if you don’t feel like it, you’re still the same woman who turned your husband’s head or who felt good when he looked in the mirror in the not too distant past. You weren’t changed by your husband’s affair, at least not physically. Yes, this can temporarily change how you feel about him, his marriage, or yourself. But remember that you did nothing wrong. Another person’s actions shouldn’t change the way you feel about yourself.

Being a special person without comparison does not depend on the attributes that other women have or lack. And right now, your healing will likely come when you focus on yourself instead of others. I know this is difficult, but if you make a concentrated effort to monitor your focus, it is eventually possible to stop this process.