When does a child’s right to privacy begin and a parent’s right to know end? I don’t have definitive answers, but I do have what I hope are some helpful guidelines.

Let’s start by looking at opposite ends of the continuum. To start all over, you start with a baby, who grows up to be a toddler. Your two-year-old does not require, nor will he generally seek, privacy. He doesn’t take offense when you help him get dressed. She doesn’t take offense when they share a bathroom. And she usually doesn’t mind you rummaging through her things. In fact, all this parental intrusion seems quite normal and necessary.

At the other end of the continuum, I have a 54-year-old friend whose parents are 87 and 88. They talk to him almost every day and want to know the details of his life, even those details that my friend would like to keep private, like when he is not feeling well. He doesn’t want his parents to worry. Now, there probably aren’t many parents who can’t relate to wanting to know things about their adult children that those children would rather keep private. There may be details about your intimate relationships, your finances, your children, your job, and your health, among other things that you may not want your parents to know. Doesn’t an adult child have the right to decide what information he will share with his parent?

Being the father of adult men in their early twenties, I understand the desire of fathers to know about their children’s lives. After all, for all the years they lived with you, you practically couldn’t help but know most of what was going on in their lives simply because they lived under the same roof. Add to that your concern for their safety and well-being and you were motivated to find out as much about your children as possible. The fact that a child grows up does not make that desire evaporate.

So what’s a parent to do? When is it okay to violate his son’s privacy and when is it taboo? The issue mostly boils down to what he ultimately wants for his children, how he teaches them responsibility and trust.

Most parents will agree that there is no need for privacy before a child is two years old. Many, but not all, will agree that when your child grows up, the child should have the right to privacy in whatever area he chooses, even though it may cause dismay to parents.

For those years in between, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What do you ultimately want for your child? Do you want an obedient child or one who is independent and responsible?

If the answer is that you want an obedient child, then I don’t think you’re looking far enough into the future. Your children will most likely survive you. Who do you want them to obey when you’re gone?

If you can agree that you want them to be able to be independent and responsible adults when you’re gone, shouldn’t you start preparing them early since we never have any guarantees how long we’ll be here?

Once your child reaches the magical age of two, he’ll be looking for some independence. Children at this age want to start doing things for themselves: eat, drink, dress, choose their activities, etc. Take this as a sign that your child is beginning to see himself as separate from you and may be seeking personal space.

As a parent, you want to gradually increase privacy as you teach your child responsible behaviors to handle the newfound freedom.

2. How do you teach responsibility? Do you tell your children what to do or model, show, and provide opportunities for your child to try out her new skill?

If your goal is to raise an independent and responsible adult, then you will provide learning opportunities in that direction. When parents tell their children what to do and how to think, what they essentially create is a rebellious child or a child who becomes very fearful and dependent.

You want to model for your children the behavior you expect. If you hate doing chores, how can you reasonably expect your children to want to do theirs?

3. What do you think about trusting your children? How do you respond when they let you down?

Once you have discussed and demonstrated a new behavior with your children, you need to trust them and provide opportunities for them to try it out. How will you know what responsible decisions they will make if you protect them from environments where they will be put to the test?

How will you respond when they don’t act the way you agreed? Do you punish them for “bad” behavior or take that opportunity to continue teaching and education? Scientists have discovered that people do not learn when they are afraid. They operate from the back of their brains, their reflective center. They are programmed to do whatever it takes to survive, but they won’t learn anything new. Therefore, punishment may not be your most effective route.

The best approach is to regain some of the freedom until they can formulate better responses to the situation, and then restore their confidence to allow them to try again. How many times should you do this? As many as it takes.

With all of this being said, I know that as parents you still want to know what is going on with your children. The best way to do this is to follow the guidelines above and maintain open, honest, non-coercive, and non-threatening communication with your child. When you do, they will be more likely to seek your advice when they need it.

So don’t read their newspapers, search their rooms, go through their car trunks, listen to their phone conversations, invade their email inboxes, or spy on their myspace accounts. Be the kind of parent your child will trust. Be the parent your child can turn to when they have problems. Be the parent your child will want to share her life with and you will have no reason to violate her privacy.

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