Have you ever noticed that you have different attitudes in raising your children than your partner? I bet you do, otherwise you might be partly in denial or not too invested in raising them. The reason why attitudes differ could be related to differences in unresolved childhood problems.

Through my experience in therapy, it has become very obvious that many of our attempts to ‘do what’s best for our children’, whether it’s teaching them, supporting them to find their own way, showing them the right way to act, being aware of our fellow men, etc. they are a way of solving some of the unresolved problems of our own childhood. Obviously, this doesn’t just apply to raising children; in fact, we could look at many other areas of life and find the same operating pattern.

Let’s look at an example: John is taking care of his 14-year-old stepson Mark while his wife Julie (the mother) is at work. Mark asks to go to a friend’s house to which John agrees under the circumstance that Mark returns at 5:30 p.m. When Mark has not returned home by 6:30 p.m., John is concerned and mentions to Julie that they should pick it up. Julie doesn’t see the problem with Mark being away at the moment and she doesn’t understand John’s concern. They start arguing to the point that eventually Julie runs out the door and goes to pick up Mark.

So what happened below the surface? John was trying to heal and work through his unresolved childhood wounds. Having experienced situations raising him where he felt pain and humiliation where he perceived himself staying too long at a friend’s house and interfering with people’s plans, John wants to make sure this doesn’t happen to Mark. Julie, on the other hand, has no comparable preconceptions or history that Mark’s presence could disrupt other people’s plans.

Basically John and Julie are subconsciously comparing their perceptions of reality based on their different filtering system. This filtering system, also known as “cognitive distortions”, is the basis of how we see the current situation based on what we have experienced in the past.

The next time you realize a situation like this is looming, ask yourself: What part of my story do I want to heal here? What ‘younger me’ of mine needs understanding, support, care or forgiveness for having done something seemingly wrong while doing the best I could with the resources available at the time? This is bringing the unconscious pattern into the light of consciousness.

As many famous psychologists, writers and therapists say: ‘It is never too late to have a happy childhood.’

Start rewriting your story now.