In order for your children to be protected from bullying, they must develop a strong sense of self, have at least one good friend, and have a circle of friends.

While it is never too late to develop self-esteem and establish personal rights, children should ideally experience their worth and self-worth from before conception. If you don’t value them, they will never value themselves. I said before conception because if you smoke and drink during pregnancy, knowing the harmful effects it has on your child, you are stating that your bad habits and needs are more important than the health and well-being of your child. It’s a silent statement, but children are influenced not only by what is said, but also by what is not said or done. Actions speak louder than words. I ask you to do a self-examination as a parent. My intent is not to shame you, but to make you more aware and encourage you to take responsibility for what each of you can do to make a difference in your child’s life. Here are some tips to help your child build the emotional resilience needed to avoid being victimized.

1, Giving your child what he wants is not the answer. In fact, aside from appropriate gifts, continually giving a child what he wants, without having to earn it, teaches him entitlement and arrogance instead of self-discipline and a strong work ethic. Teach them, train them, and love them, but don’t coddle them.

2. “Children are to be seen and not heard.” How many of you remember that old myth that it should be laid to rest and buried? Do you think that suddenly, out of the blue, your child will start talking when for years you made it clear that he did not deserve to have a voice? Heck, I’ve seen patients who were 88 years old who still had no voice because it was so ingrained that their thoughts and words weren’t important. We may get old, but we hold on to all those messages we were taught as children. Children learn what they live. If you respect your child, your child now has a positive role model and will know how to respect others. You can’t give what you don’t have.

3. Self-respect will help prevent your child from being bullied and will also reduce the chance of your child becoming a bully. News recently reported that a Mississippi kids’ basketball coach has been criticizing his team for months because he thought he was good for them. You tell me how spanking a kid, for no reason other than he didn’t make the basket, will improve his hand-eye coordination or improve his athletic abilities. If I were spanked, especially when I have done nothing wrong, I would be very angry and might be tempted to take it out on someone else. It’s called “passing it on.” The kid obviously needs a Human Motivation 101 course. I’m also pointing out that some teachers and parents are the bullies. This whipping continued for months before anyone reported it. With self-respect and self-esteem, a child is more likely to take a risk and report abuse.

4. Accountability is a good teacher. Allow your child to make age-appropriate decisions for him to learn natural consequences. The consequences you impose must be rational, reasonable, and fair. There must be equity. You don’t ground a kid for a month because he forgot her book at school, either on purpose or by accident. That is exaggerated.

Keep calm

Victims of bullying, particularly youth, face a difficult challenge: keeping their balance under pressure. When someone bullies you, they are probably eager to throw you off balance emotionally. He expects you to resort to extremes of anger or show terror. If you have a fit of anger or burst into tears and express pain or fear, the bully is getting what he wants and is encouraged to provoke you again and again.

Parents can start early to prepare their children to deal wisely with bullies. You can use role plays with your children to demonstrate how to project a sense of confidence as in the following:

1. Physical posture, such as standing up straight, can send a subtle message that deters some bullies.

2. Making eye contact, keeping your hands and arms relaxed, and speaking in a steady, steady voice may do the trick.

3. Parents are urged to teach their children to walk away, to avoid bullies, and to ask for help from a trusted adult, such as a teacher. Don’t make it your battle.

How to respond to the bully

1. Stay cool. Don’t give in to anger. When your temper is out of control, you give the bully power over you and you are likely to do things you will regret.

2. Try to put thoughts of revenge out of your mind. Revenge often fails. Revenge may feel good for a moment, but it perpetuates the conflict and does not promote healing. Letting go and moving on helps us get through it.

3. When things seem to be heating up, walk away quickly. Scan the environment, be aware and stay away from those who tend to bully.

4. If the bullying persists, you may need to speak up for yourself. Choose a time when you are calm, look the bully in the eye, and speak in a firm, level voice. Tell him that you will not tolerate bullying. Don’t resort to insults or challenges that will escalate things.

5. Talk to a responsible and understanding adult about the bullying. Be specific about the problem and ask for help in handling it.

6. Remember that you have value as a person. The bully may want you to think that you don’t matter and that you deserve to be treated badly. It is the harasser who becomes less valuable by resorting to such conduct.