I sometimes hear from wives who have just been hit with the harsh reality that their husband is downright unhappy (or even miserable) with their marriage. This is often a blow they never saw coming. And they are often confused about the best way to deal with the problem.

I heard from a wife who said, “My husband and I have been married for eight years and we have two children. I realize that the passion between us is not as strong as it was when we first got married. But I am reasonably happy.” and I thought he was, too. Last night, he confessed that he feels pretty miserable being married to me. He says I’m an unhappy person in general and it brings him down. He said he’s telling me this because he wants to be honest with me. I was a little floored I realize we don’t have the best marriage but it never seemed completely miserable like it now claims to be I called my mom and we discussed this she said I better make some changes fast because no man is going to stay forever in a miserable situation, no matter how much she loves her children. She said she would look for someone else, if she hasn’t already. And she confirmed that I get moody from time to time and it’s hard to deal with. I’ll try to address these worry upations in the next article.

When things are a little quiet, ask your husband for details: I agreed that the wife needed to address this issue as soon as possible. However, it was going to be really hard to fix things if she didn’t have a firm grip on what was wrong. Her husband had told him in general that he was miserable, but apart from his sometimes pessimistic attitude, he hadn’t identified specific things that contributed to her unhappiness.

So, when things are a little quiet, I suggest approaching him with a script that says something like, “I want to continue what we discussed yesterday. Yes, it hurts to hear you say you’re not happy, but I’m more concerned with fixing the problem.” problem. Is there a way you can share with me what I can do to make you feel more positive about our marriage? I’m willing to take action and make some changes, but I’m not. I don’t want to guess which ones are right. What bothers you the most, what could I do to help you feel happier?

You may not get an answer to every question because men sometimes talk in general terms about hurtful topics like this. But hopefully, after this conversation is over, you’ll have a better idea of ​​what changes would be most effective.

Don’t expect the worst. Don’t let fear influence your behaviors: This wife’s mother was giving her all kinds of doomsday scenarios. There was no evidence that another woman was involved, or even that another person would eventually enter the scene. Sure, an unhappy man may not stay forever. But I think her husband brought the problem to her attention because he wanted to give her a chance to fix it. A man with one foot out the door doesn’t usually give you this kind of warning. The fact that he was trying to be honest was, to me at least, a good sign.

This wife admitted that she tended to have a pessimistic attitude when under stress. So it would be very easy for her to give in to that right now. But, I strongly felt that she should avoid this at all costs. Fear will cause you to become paranoid and act negatively, which will only make things worse.

Be very conscious of having the most positive attitude you can muster. Because her husband has already told her that he is looking for a more optimistic outlook at home. He has already told you that you are going to take him down. So you will have to resist the temptation to worry too much about the future. The best bet is to take each day as it comes with a smile on your face. I know this is probably not in your nature. And I know it may feel forced at first. But often, forcing yourself to focus on the positive will make you feel better and bring about a natural and genuine change in your attitude. This can only make your situation better rather than worse.

I would like to make a final point. I know it’s very tempting to want to defend yourself. But this can make you so defensive that your husband feels like he needs to discuss it. I know it might be tempting to tell him that living with him isn’t easy either and that he expects too much of you when you’re trying to raise your kids and take care of everyone but yourself.

But now is not the time to debate this. Your goal right now should be to make things so much better at home that the danger has passed. You want to bond and be deeply intimate again. Once your marriage is back on track, you can discuss and resolve any issues you may have. But right now, you don’t want to add to the misery he thinks he’s feeling. You don’t want to do anything to contribute to the perception that things are as bad as he thinks.

Also, it is important to keep this in perspective. Sometimes he is unhappy in other areas of his life and he is projecting it on you. As unfair as it is, at this point you’re better off trying to be supportive and upbeat rather than pointing out what you think might be his obvious misconceptions.