I often hear from wives who are extremely shocked and confused. Often they return home to find that their husband has left. Or, without explanation, you will simply enter the bedroom, pack your bags, walk out the door, and leave your wife without looking back. Many wives stagger not just because their husband left them, but because they have no idea why he left and when (or if) he will return.

I heard from a wife who said, “Last Wednesday, I came home to find my husband in the room packing my bags. In fact, I think he had planned to leave while I was at work, but I got home early that day and I interrupted him. I asked him what the hell he was doing and he just said ‘I’m leaving you’ and he walked past me, opened the front door and left. Needless to say, I tried to call him so we could talk, but he just left. Then, He didn’t answer my calls or texts. I have no idea where he went. I tried calling his family and friends, but they didn’t answer my calls either. I didn’t really see this coming. Sure, we have minor problems in our marriage from time to time “But I certainly didn’t think it was that bad. What am I supposed to do now? I don’t want to let my marriage go. Know right now why the hell she left me. I deserve answers. I want to know how I would do this.” I will try to address these concerns in the next article.

Try to focus more on how to proceed than on finding answers that may not be immediate: Many wives in this scenario have a goal in mind. They want to locate you and demand answers from you. Many have no problem with a nasty confrontation designed to determine why in the world it would leave with no explanation at all. Ultimately, they are angry and their intention is to get answers by whatever means necessary. But here is the problem with that. Often times, you are so focused on getting answers that you miss the most important problem. And that problem is that her husband is gone. Right now, the main goal should be to come up with a workable and successful plan to get you back on the right track. This means that you will need to try to get him back in a way that is healthy, not harmful, and actually increases the chances that your marriage will prosper and be successful once he returns home.

Do not panic. Often times, you will get your answers without having to do something you regret: I remember when I was in this situation. I was so scared and so angry that my behaviors were somewhat embarrassing and certainly not typical of me. And when I acted this way, I knew I was out of control but, at that moment, it seemed like I couldn’t get hold of myself. It is very important that you do not allow yourself to panic or exhibit behavior that will only make him want to walk away much further. Often times, if you are patient and calm, the answers will come without you having to try as hard. Not only that, but when the answers come in, you’ll know that you didn’t make any unfortunate decisions that are going to further damage your relationship. Usually your husband will eventually calm down and contact you. This is the best scenario and much more preferable than tracking it down by any means necessary.

Once you make contact, approach him in a mature way aimed at solving problems rather than creating more: I know how frustrated you are right now because I’ve been there too. I know it is very easy to panic. Your feelings can be everywhere. One second you may be furious with him, and the next second you may be willing to accept almost anything (or be willing to make any promise) just to have him come home. But neither of these strategies makes you more likely to be successful in the long run. I know it’s very easy to look at the short term and tell yourself that you will say or do anything to get it home, but this really is risky. Because what happens when you come home and you don’t have a plan? There is a good chance that whatever is making you unhappy will eventually do it again, and thus will eventually go away once more.

Instead, you want to identify and resolve the problem so that you don’t have to constantly worry about its departure. You want to create a stronger marriage and healthier bond so that you will be successful in the long term rather than in the short term. This is why it is so important that you approach him as someone who is willing to compromise and work with him rather than someone who is mad at him and wants to force him to come home at all costs, no matter what the cost.