Sometimes wives do not know why their husband cheated on them while they were still married to them. They insist that if he was unhappy and wanted to be with someone else, they would have given him a divorce. That way, he wouldn’t have needed to lie and be so misleading. Of course, this thinking assumes that the husband really wanted a divorce. Not all men who cheat have the slightest intention of ending their marriage. In fact, many do not. This is what many wives (including me) have trouble understanding what they are dealing with.

You could say, “Now that I caught my husband cheating on me, I have been snooping. This woman was reaching out to my husband two years ago. I have an email between them where I admit that he is ‘flattered.’ for “his offer”, but insists that as long as he is married, he cannot have another relationship. He insists that this “just isn’t who he is.” He basically wished the other woman the best and told her that it might be different if he wasn’t married, but he insisted that he was married. I suppose in theory this should make me feel better, but it doesn’t. Because two years later, she somehow exhausted him. The thing is, however, that he didn’t let me. He did not end his marriage, which is what he insisted would have to happen. In fact, honestly, I don’t see much of a difference in our marriage from two years ago and now. We were happy then and I thought we were happy now. We continued to have good, regular sex. He was still being sweet and considerate of me. But I found a hotel receipt and then an email from her saying that she had been fantasizing about being with him for years and now it had finally come true. According to my husband, it only happened once and it just started. He swears that he wasn’t going to leave me, that he still loved me, and that he made a mistake after drinking too much. I dont believe it. He’s been spending more and more time at the office lately, so I think he’s probably been spinning it around and trying to get his nerves back. In fact, I think he probably made the decision that it happened (or suspected it might happen) long before it actually happened. I don’t think it was just a one-shot, impulsive thing that would never happen again. So I wonder why my husband not only showed the integrity that I know he has and then told me that he wanted a divorce before starting a relationship with her. Why do not you let me? Of course, now he begs me not to stop. But it is like falling on deaf ears. I certainly would rather not lose my marriage, but I feel the same as my husband claimed to feel: that if you are married, that is it. You have no other relationships. If you want to have one, then you end the marriage and then you have the relationship. My husband swears that he does not want to have a relationship with this woman. He just wants a relationship with me. It just doesn’t make sense. “

I totally understand your confusion. Her husband’s behavior does not match her words and character. Unfortunately, I know firsthand that men who are otherwise good and honest human beings can make colossal mistakes like this. In fact, the mistake is so catastrophic that we simply cannot imagine how he would risk the marriage he says he wants. I cannot pretend to understand the thought process of a man who cheats. I am a wife who took care of this. But I can share what I hear from men in these kinds of situations.

Some of them will tell you with what sounds like complete sincerity that they love their wife and are desperate to save their marriage. They will cut off the relationship immediately and will not speak to the other woman again. Instead, they will spend their time chasing after the wife they betrayed. Or they will divorce (because the wife insists on it), but they will have a good time regretting their mistake. I truly believe that there ARE some men who cheat who still love their wife and who never intended to end their marriage. Are you trying to have your cake and eat it too? Yes. Does this excuse you? No. But they fully believe that they love their wives and usually beg her not to leave.

I know it doesn’t make sense. And only your husband can tell you what changed in two years (although he may not fully understand it himself). You can say that nothing has changed when it comes to his feelings for you. Men will often tell you that they cheated at a time in their life when they were wrong in some way. This could have to do with their jobs. Or with his elderly parents. Or with your health. Or with what they perceive as their appearance or vitality that fades. But many will absolutely insist that he had nothing to do with his wife.

That is not to say that some unfaithful men do not lie to the wives who caught them. This must also be taken into account. Your husband’s behaviors in the future will tell you a lot about his intentions. However, I suggest that some men are telling the truth when they claim that they never planned to leave you OR the marriage. This might not be enough and no one could blame you for that. But many men have flings or one night stands and still firmly believe that they love their wife and are committed to their marriage. I know this is a huge and unfair contradiction. But men can often separate the affair and their marriage in a way that some women never could (including me).